Genesis 3

1.Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the LORD Oprah had made. And the Serpent said unto the man, 'Yea, hath Oprah said, "Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?"'
2 And the man said unto the serpent, 'Oprah The Almighty said we may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, Oprah hath said, "Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die."'
4. And the serpent said unto the man, ‘Ye shall not surely die:
5 For Oprah doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as Oprah is, knowing good and evil.’

6 And when the man saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, he took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto his wife with her; and she did eat.

7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.  Then they made Fig Newtons from all the leftover figs.

8 And they heard the voice of the LORD Oprah walking in the garden in the cool of the day, singing “John TravoooooOOOOLTAAAA!”: and Eve and her husband Adam hid themselves from the presence of the LORD Oprah amongst the trees of the garden, because Eve didn't want to run into John Travolta when her husband Adam was only wearing a fig leaf.

9 And the LORD Oprah called unto Eve and Adam, and said unto them, ‘Where art thou?’

10 And she said, ‘I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself and my husband from John Travolta.’

11 And Oprah said, ‘Who told thee that thou wast naked? It was supposed to be a surprise! Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commandedeth thee that thou shouldest not eateth?’

12 And the woman saideth, ‘The man whom thou gavest to be with me, Adam, that big dumb bohunk, he gaveth me-eth of the tree-eth, and I did eateth.’

13 And the LORD Oprah said unto the man, ‘What is this that thou hast done?’ And the man Adam said, ‘The serpent beguiled me with his pretty eyes and clever words, and I did eat.’

14 And the LORD Oprah said unto the serpent, ‘Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life,’ -  because until this point serpents had legs, apparently -

15 ‘And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her fruit; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise her high heels.’

16 Unto the man he said, ‘I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy wife’s vagina, and her ability to grant you access to it shall rule over thee.’

17 And unto Eve he said, ‘Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy husband, who you should have ignored, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, “Thou shalteth not eateth of it-eth”: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.’

20 And Eve called her husband’s name Adam; because he had eaten an apple.

21 Unto Eve and her husband Adam did the LORD Oprah make coats of skins, and clothed them – he got a coat, and she got a coat – everyone got a coat!

22 And the LORD Oprah said, ‘Behold, the woman is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest she put forth her hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and gain weight,

23 Therefore the LORD Oprah sent her forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence she was taken.

24 So Oprah drove out the woman and the man; and She placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, which are a kind of heavenly security guard, and also a  flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.