Genesis 1

1. In the beginning Oprah made heaven & earth. 2. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of Oprah was moving over the face of the waters.

3. And Oprah said, "Let there be light"; there was light. 4. And Oprah saw that the light was good; and Oprah separated the light from the darkness. 5. Oprah called the light Day, and the darkness She called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day. 6. And Oprah said, "Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters." 7. And Oprah made the firmament and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. And it was so. 8. And Oprah called the firmament 'Harpo Studios.' And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.

9. And Oprah said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. 10. Oprah called the dry land Chicago, and the waters that were gathered together She called Lake Michigan. And Oprah saw that it was good. 11. And Oprah said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. 12. The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And Oprah saw the vegetables and they were good and high in nutrients, and part of a balanced healthy diet, which is important for maintaining a healthy weight in proportion to height. And Oprah saw that it was good. 13. And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.

14. And Oprah said, "Let there be lights in the firmament of the heavenly Harpo Studios to separate the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, and for the Nielsen Ratings Spring Sweeps period,15. and let them be lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth, and to light up my television studio for the Oprah Show." And it was so. 16. And Oprah made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; She made the stars also, and also the lights in the studio for the Oprah Show. 17. And Oprah set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth, 18 to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness, and to light up Her Oprah Show set. And Oprah saw that it was good. 19. And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.

20. And Oprah said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens." 21. So Oprah created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And Oprah saw that it was good. 22. And Oprah blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." 23. And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.

24. And Oprah said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds." And it was so. 25. And Oprah made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And Oprah saw that it was good.

26. Then Oprah said, "Let us make woman in My image, after My likeness; and let Her have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, the Men, cats, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth, so that I might have viewers for my television program, just as soon as I create televisions, cameras, and the concept of syndication, all of which are coming up next on my list of things that I'm going to create." 27. So Oprah created woman in Her own image, in the image of Oprah.

29. And Oprah said to the woman, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. 30. And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food. All of these things I have given to every member of the studio audience – they are in a gift bag under your chair. And YOU get a car and YOU get a car and YOU get a car!" And it was so, and there was much rejoicing. 31. And Oprah saw everything that She had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, a sixth day.