Genesis 2

1. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. 2. And on the seventh day Oprah finished Her work which She had done, and She rested on the seventh day. Despite being an all-powerful omnipotent omniscient deity, She was tired. 3 So Oprah blessed the seventh day and hallowed it, because on that day Oprah rested from all Her work which She had done in creation.

4. Then the LORD Oprah formed woman of dust from the ground, even though if you were reading closely you probably noticed Oprah already created Woman in the previous chapter, and Oprah breathed into her nostrils the breath of life; and woman became a living being. 8. And the LORD Oprah planted a garden in Eden, in the east; and there She put the woman whom She had formed. 9. And out of the ground the LORD Oprah made to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food, the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and also a nice flat screen HDTV. 10. The LORD Oprah took the woman and put her in the garden of Eden to appreciate it, to medidate, to watch the Oprah Show, and to live her Best Life. 16. And the LORD Oprah commanded the woman, saying, "You may freely eat of every tree of the garden; 17. but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for the fruit has a high glycemic index, and foods with a high glycemic index will cause your insulin to spike and increase the likelihood that you’ll put on weight."

18. Then the LORD Oprah said, "It is not good that the woman should be alone; I will make her a helper fit for her." 19. So out of the ground the LORD Oprah formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the woman called every living creature, that was its name. 20. The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for the woman there was not found a helper fit for her. 21. So the LORD Oprah caused a deep sleep to fall upon the woman, and while she slept took one of her ribs and closed up its place with flesh; 22. and the rib which the LORD Oprah had taken from the woman She made into a man and brought him to the woman.

23. Then the woman said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; he shall be called Man, because he is made from a small part of a full Woman." 24. Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. 25. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed, because they had high self-esteem and had already learned to accept their bodies as they were.