1. In the beginning Oprah made heaven & earth. 2. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of Oprah was moving over the face of the waters.
3. And Oprah said, "Let there be light"; there was light. 4. And Oprah saw that the light was good; and Oprah separated the light from the darkness. 5. Oprah called the light Day, and the darkness She called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day. 6. And Oprah said, "Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters." 7. And Oprah made the firmament and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. And it was so. 8. And Oprah called the firmament 'Harpo Studios.' And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.
9. And Oprah said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. 10. Oprah called the dry land Chicago, and the waters that were gathered together She called Lake Michigan. And Oprah saw that it was good. 11. And Oprah said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. 12. The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And Oprah saw the vegetables and they were good and high in nutrients, and part of a balanced healthy diet, which is important for maintaining a healthy weight in proportion to height. And Oprah saw that it was good. 13. And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.
14. And Oprah said, "Let there be lights in the firmament of the heavenly Harpo Studios to separate the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, and for the Nielsen Ratings Spring Sweeps period,15. and let them be lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth, and to light up my television studio for the Oprah Show." And it was so. 16. And Oprah made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; She made the stars also, and also the lights in the studio for the Oprah Show. 17. And Oprah set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth, 18 to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness, and to light up Her Oprah Show set. And Oprah saw that it was good. 19. And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.
20. And Oprah said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens." 21. So Oprah created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And Oprah saw that it was good. 22. And Oprah blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." 23. And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.
24. And Oprah said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds." And it was so. 25. And Oprah made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And Oprah saw that it was good.
26. Then Oprah said, "Let us make woman in My image, after My likeness; and let Her have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, the Men, cats, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth, so that I might have viewers for my television program, just as soon as I create televisions, cameras, and the concept of syndication, all of which are coming up next on my list of things that I'm going to create." 27. So Oprah created woman in Her own image, in the image of Oprah.
29. And Oprah said to the woman, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. 30. And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food. All of these things I have given to every member of the studio audience – they are in a gift bag under your chair. And YOU get a car and YOU get a car and YOU get a car!" And it was so, and there was much rejoicing. 31. And Oprah saw everything that She had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, a sixth day.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Genesis 2
1. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. 2. And on the seventh day Oprah finished Her work which She had done, and She rested on the seventh day. Despite being an all-powerful omnipotent omniscient deity, She was tired. 3 So Oprah blessed the seventh day and hallowed it, because on that day Oprah rested from all Her work which She had done in creation.
4. Then the LORD Oprah formed woman of dust from the ground, even though if you were reading closely you probably noticed Oprah already created Woman in the previous chapter, and Oprah breathed into her nostrils the breath of life; and woman became a living being. 8. And the LORD Oprah planted a garden in Eden, in the east; and there She put the woman whom She had formed. 9. And out of the ground the LORD Oprah made to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food, the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and also a nice flat screen HDTV. 10. The LORD Oprah took the woman and put her in the garden of Eden to appreciate it, to medidate, to watch the Oprah Show, and to live her Best Life. 16. And the LORD Oprah commanded the woman, saying, "You may freely eat of every tree of the garden; 17. but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for the fruit has a high glycemic index, and foods with a high glycemic index will cause your insulin to spike and increase the likelihood that you’ll put on weight."
18. Then the LORD Oprah said, "It is not good that the woman should be alone; I will make her a helper fit for her." 19. So out of the ground the LORD Oprah formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the woman called every living creature, that was its name. 20. The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for the woman there was not found a helper fit for her. 21. So the LORD Oprah caused a deep sleep to fall upon the woman, and while she slept took one of her ribs and closed up its place with flesh; 22. and the rib which the LORD Oprah had taken from the woman She made into a man and brought him to the woman.
23. Then the woman said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; he shall be called Man, because he is made from a small part of a full Woman." 24. Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. 25. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed, because they had high self-esteem and had already learned to accept their bodies as they were.
4. Then the LORD Oprah formed woman of dust from the ground, even though if you were reading closely you probably noticed Oprah already created Woman in the previous chapter, and Oprah breathed into her nostrils the breath of life; and woman became a living being. 8. And the LORD Oprah planted a garden in Eden, in the east; and there She put the woman whom She had formed. 9. And out of the ground the LORD Oprah made to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food, the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and also a nice flat screen HDTV. 10. The LORD Oprah took the woman and put her in the garden of Eden to appreciate it, to medidate, to watch the Oprah Show, and to live her Best Life. 16. And the LORD Oprah commanded the woman, saying, "You may freely eat of every tree of the garden; 17. but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for the fruit has a high glycemic index, and foods with a high glycemic index will cause your insulin to spike and increase the likelihood that you’ll put on weight."
18. Then the LORD Oprah said, "It is not good that the woman should be alone; I will make her a helper fit for her." 19. So out of the ground the LORD Oprah formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the woman called every living creature, that was its name. 20. The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for the woman there was not found a helper fit for her. 21. So the LORD Oprah caused a deep sleep to fall upon the woman, and while she slept took one of her ribs and closed up its place with flesh; 22. and the rib which the LORD Oprah had taken from the woman She made into a man and brought him to the woman.
23. Then the woman said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; he shall be called Man, because he is made from a small part of a full Woman." 24. Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. 25. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed, because they had high self-esteem and had already learned to accept their bodies as they were.
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