Genesis 4

Genesis 4

1 And Adam knew Eve his wife, by which we mean he had sexual relations with her; and as contraception hadn’t been invented yet, she conceived, bare a son named Cain. Eve said, “I have gotten a man from the Lord Oprah the Winfrey, and it wasn’t even a Favorite Things episode! I am truly blessed!”
2 And before you knew it, but approximately 9 months and one week later she again bare his brother Abel. This is called having "Irish Twins." And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground. . It was fine that Eve had so many children because at this point overpopulation wasn’t a problem.  It’s important to take context from a story into account before you try to learn a lesson from it, don’t you think? Oprah does, and so can you!
3 And in process of time it came to pass that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the Lord Oprah.  He brought her a small handful of unsalted almonds as a healthy snack.
4 And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. And the Oprah had respect unto Abel and to his offering: “I can make a sweater from the wool and a steak from the meat!” chortled Lord Oprah.  “What a blessing this is to ME!”
5 But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.  This is understandable, because Oprah was being kind of a bitch and hadn't even said "Thank you," even though normally She's very kind.
6 And Oprah said unto Cain, “Why art thou wroth? And why is thy countenance fallen?”
7 “If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it."
8 And Cain still thought Oprah was being a bitch and really didn’t understand the metaphor at all. It sure didn't sound like an apology, did it?  And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him.  This is called "misdirected anger."
9 And Oprah said unto Cain, “Where is Abel thy brother? There are like four people in the entire world so far and we’re already missing one!” And Cain said, “I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?” because he was still pissed that Oprah didn’t like his almonds, and also he was trying to cover up the murder.
10 And Oprah said, “What hast thou done? The voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground!  I was just pretending I didn’t know where your brother was – I totally watched you kill him!  Don't you remember I am OPRAH?   I can fly and I'm invisible and I have magic powers.  Did you think I'd be taken in by your fool lie?  That's actually kind of insulting to THE LORD OPRAH don't you think?
11 And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand;
12 When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength, it'll totally be filled with rocks and stuff, and your donkey will hate you; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.
13 And Cain said unto the Lord, “My punishment is greater than I can bear.
14 Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me. I mean, now that I killed Abel there are just three people in the whole world but for some reason I’m really paranoid that someone will kill me.”
15 And Oprah said unto him, “Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold.” And Oprah set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.  Which was pretty unlikely since Eve wasn’t even pregnant again at that point and she was getting on in years, but Oprah wanted to placate Cain so he would leave Her alone.
16 And Cain went out from the presence of the Lord Oprah, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden, which was surprisingly full of people that Oprah hadn’t mentioned creating in this particular narrative.  But there they were just the same.
17 And Cain banged his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.  It apparently was filled with a whole bunch of people that Cain was not related to, which was handy because otherwise Cain would have had to have sex with his sister in order to continue the human race.  Think about it!
18 And unto Enoch was born Irad: and Irad begat Mehujael: and Mehujael begat Methusael: and Methusael begat Lamech.  We could go on but you get the idea.
19 And Lamech took unto him two wives, but when people talk about the “Biblical definition of marriage” they are thinking about some other part of the Bible they can’t quite put their finger on and not this particular verse: the name of the one wife was Adah, and the name of the other wife was Zillah.
20 And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle, or such as live in Texas.  Not the kind of people you want to hang out with, is what we mean.
21 And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ and who like to plan weddings and work as interior decorators.
22 And Zillah, she also bare Tubalcain, an instructor of every artificer in brass and iron, and he made some exquisite earrings that were really pleasing to the Lord Oprah: and the sister of Tubalcain was Naamah.  Bet you’re starting to think Oprah isn’t such an unusual name after all, right?
23 And Lamech said unto his wives, Adah and Zillah, “Hear my voice; ye wives of Lamech, hearken unto my speech: for I have slain a man to my wounding, and a young man to my hurt.
24 If Cain shall be avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy and sevenfold.”  Then he had sex with his two wives.  Nobody had any idea what he'd meant by his speech.
25 And Adam made love to his wife again; and she bare a son, and called his name Seth: “For Oprah,” said Eve, “hath appointed me another seed instead of Abel, whom Cain slew.”  It was funny she said that, because Oprah didn’t have anything to do with it this time - it was just that women tend to get pregnant when they have sex with men without birth control.
26 And to Seth, to him also there was born a son; and he called his name Enos: then began men to call upon the name of the Lord Oprah.  “Oprah,” they said, “This narrative is really confusing and doesn’t really go in order chronologically. How could Cain possibly have had time to grow an almond tree? Also it’s got a pretty incest-y feeling I don’t care for, not to mention the bigamy.”  Oprah thanked everyone for their concerns but didn’t address them, because that's how religion works.

Genesis 3

1.Now the serpent was more subtle than any beast of the field which the LORD Oprah had made. And the Serpent said unto the man, 'Yea, hath Oprah said, "Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?"'
2 And the man said unto the serpent, 'Oprah The Almighty said we may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, Oprah hath said, "Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die."'
4. And the serpent said unto the man, ‘Ye shall not surely die:
5 For Oprah doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as Oprah is, knowing good and evil.’

6 And when the man saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, he took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto his wife with her; and she did eat.

7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.  Then they made Fig Newtons from all the leftover figs.

8 And they heard the voice of the LORD Oprah walking in the garden in the cool of the day, singing “John TravoooooOOOOLTAAAA!”: and Eve and her husband Adam hid themselves from the presence of the LORD Oprah amongst the trees of the garden, because Eve didn't want to run into John Travolta when her husband Adam was only wearing a fig leaf.

9 And the LORD Oprah called unto Eve and Adam, and said unto them, ‘Where art thou?’

10 And she said, ‘I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself and my husband from John Travolta.’

11 And Oprah said, ‘Who told thee that thou wast naked? It was supposed to be a surprise! Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commandedeth thee that thou shouldest not eateth?’

12 And the woman saideth, ‘The man whom thou gavest to be with me, Adam, that big dumb bohunk, he gaveth me-eth of the tree-eth, and I did eateth.’

13 And the LORD Oprah said unto the man, ‘What is this that thou hast done?’ And the man Adam said, ‘The serpent beguiled me with his pretty eyes and clever words, and I did eat.’

14 And the LORD Oprah said unto the serpent, ‘Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life,’ -  because until this point serpents had legs, apparently -

15 ‘And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her fruit; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise her high heels.’

16 Unto the man he said, ‘I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy wife’s vagina, and her ability to grant you access to it shall rule over thee.’

17 And unto Eve he said, ‘Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy husband, who you should have ignored, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, “Thou shalteth not eateth of it-eth”: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.’

20 And Eve called her husband’s name Adam; because he had eaten an apple.

21 Unto Eve and her husband Adam did the LORD Oprah make coats of skins, and clothed them – he got a coat, and she got a coat – everyone got a coat!

22 And the LORD Oprah said, ‘Behold, the woman is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest she put forth her hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and gain weight,

23 Therefore the LORD Oprah sent her forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence she was taken.

24 So Oprah drove out the woman and the man; and She placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, which are a kind of heavenly security guard, and also a  flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

Genesis 1

1. In the beginning Oprah made heaven & earth. 2. The earth was without form and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep; and the Spirit of Oprah was moving over the face of the waters.

3. And Oprah said, "Let there be light"; there was light. 4. And Oprah saw that the light was good; and Oprah separated the light from the darkness. 5. Oprah called the light Day, and the darkness She called Night. And there was evening and there was morning, one day. 6. And Oprah said, "Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it separate the waters from the waters." 7. And Oprah made the firmament and separated the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament. And it was so. 8. And Oprah called the firmament 'Harpo Studios.' And there was evening and there was morning, a second day.

9. And Oprah said, "Let the waters under the heavens be gathered together into one place, and let the dry land appear." And it was so. 10. Oprah called the dry land Chicago, and the waters that were gathered together She called Lake Michigan. And Oprah saw that it was good. 11. And Oprah said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. 12. The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And Oprah saw the vegetables and they were good and high in nutrients, and part of a balanced healthy diet, which is important for maintaining a healthy weight in proportion to height. And Oprah saw that it was good. 13. And there was evening and there was morning, a third day.

14. And Oprah said, "Let there be lights in the firmament of the heavenly Harpo Studios to separate the day from the night; and let them be for signs and for seasons and for days and years, and for the Nielsen Ratings Spring Sweeps period,15. and let them be lights in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth, and to light up my television studio for the Oprah Show." And it was so. 16. And Oprah made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; She made the stars also, and also the lights in the studio for the Oprah Show. 17. And Oprah set them in the firmament of the heavens to give light upon the earth, 18 to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness, and to light up Her Oprah Show set. And Oprah saw that it was good. 19. And there was evening and there was morning, a fourth day.

20. And Oprah said, "Let the waters bring forth swarms of living creatures, and let birds fly above the earth across the firmament of the heavens." 21. So Oprah created the great sea monsters and every living creature that moves, with which the waters swarm, according to their kinds, and every winged bird according to its kind. And Oprah saw that it was good. 22. And Oprah blessed them, saying, "Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth." 23. And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day.

24. And Oprah said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds." And it was so. 25. And Oprah made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And Oprah saw that it was good.

26. Then Oprah said, "Let us make woman in My image, after My likeness; and let Her have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, the Men, cats, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth, so that I might have viewers for my television program, just as soon as I create televisions, cameras, and the concept of syndication, all of which are coming up next on my list of things that I'm going to create." 27. So Oprah created woman in Her own image, in the image of Oprah.

29. And Oprah said to the woman, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. 30. And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food. All of these things I have given to every member of the studio audience – they are in a gift bag under your chair. And YOU get a car and YOU get a car and YOU get a car!" And it was so, and there was much rejoicing. 31. And Oprah saw everything that She had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, a sixth day.

Genesis 2

1. Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them. 2. And on the seventh day Oprah finished Her work which She had done, and She rested on the seventh day. Despite being an all-powerful omnipotent omniscient deity, She was tired. 3 So Oprah blessed the seventh day and hallowed it, because on that day Oprah rested from all Her work which She had done in creation.

4. Then the LORD Oprah formed woman of dust from the ground, even though if you were reading closely you probably noticed Oprah already created Woman in the previous chapter, and Oprah breathed into her nostrils the breath of life; and woman became a living being. 8. And the LORD Oprah planted a garden in Eden, in the east; and there She put the woman whom She had formed. 9. And out of the ground the LORD Oprah made to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight and good for food, the tree of life also in the midst of the garden, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and also a nice flat screen HDTV. 10. The LORD Oprah took the woman and put her in the garden of Eden to appreciate it, to medidate, to watch the Oprah Show, and to live her Best Life. 16. And the LORD Oprah commanded the woman, saying, "You may freely eat of every tree of the garden; 17. but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for the fruit has a high glycemic index, and foods with a high glycemic index will cause your insulin to spike and increase the likelihood that you’ll put on weight."

18. Then the LORD Oprah said, "It is not good that the woman should be alone; I will make her a helper fit for her." 19. So out of the ground the LORD Oprah formed every beast of the field and every bird of the air, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the woman called every living creature, that was its name. 20. The man gave names to all cattle, and to the birds of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for the woman there was not found a helper fit for her. 21. So the LORD Oprah caused a deep sleep to fall upon the woman, and while she slept took one of her ribs and closed up its place with flesh; 22. and the rib which the LORD Oprah had taken from the woman She made into a man and brought him to the woman.

23. Then the woman said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; he shall be called Man, because he is made from a small part of a full Woman." 24. Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh. 25. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed, because they had high self-esteem and had already learned to accept their bodies as they were.